My last intimate relationship had 95% of what I am looking for. We love each other dearly, we are truthful with each other, we have fun together and there is a strong attraction but there is something missing. We both know what it is and its nature means it cannot be overcome without drastic change on both sides.

I believe that 100% perfect relationships exist. You see evidence of it around you: couples who have spent a lifetime together who still enjoy making love to each other, doing things together and talking things through truthfully, as much as it may sometimes hurt. I’ve seen it; I know it exists and I know that I can have it.

But surely 95% is enough? Am I being idealist or greedy? That missing 5% grows with time as you realise how much you want it and resentment kicks in. Eventually there is little left in the relationship that you like, as what has been missing all along consumes all the good that was there. And I’m talking fundamentals here; the stuff that we tend to argue about is not what eventually ends a relationship. It doesn’t matter in the end that one squeezes the toothpaste tube from the base or the middle or whether you prefer rugby to soccer. This all sorts itself out. It is when one always tells the truth and the other does not know how or when one wants to get down and dirty and the other doesn’t like dirty.

But surely it is important to work on a relationship? We need to work on what matters: keeping open and truthful communication, even when it hurts. Nothing else should need work if there is truthfully unconditional love and chemistry, both of which are intangible and difficult to comprehend in the rational mind. And these of course are either there from the start or not at all. They don’t come with time or go away. Just communicate, even if the chemistry is fading; discuss how you can spice it up. And don’t be afraid of losing the other. That’s the hardest bit but this fear will affect the honesty of the communication, which will be lethal. Remember that honest communication is also being able to admit when things are not working and the only solution is to end the relationship.

Relating should not be difficult. It does not need hard work. Just be yourself: cry when you want to cry because your partner has hurt you, tell your partner when you’re pissed off with them, send them flowers just because you want to, buy them sweets because you want to cheer them up. Do whatever is you. And be honest: to you and your partner, come what may.

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