Recently a friend asked me whether I believe that we are born to love. We were listening to Jewel singing “Satisfied” at the time and these are the lyrics that sparked the question: “We were born to love. Did you say it? Did you mean it? Did you lay it all on the line?” My response was that I believe in the whole message rather than only the first sentence.

“We were born to love” gets thrown around so much today and has become so misinterpreted. Society portrays love as Hollywood romance and Disney family relationships, when one of the keys to love is truth. If you love someone there should be no reservation to telling them how you feel, even if it sometimes hurts them. After all, love is a knowing: it is a feeling deep inside that you can’t put into words. I go so far as to say that it is your own creation as you choose to love and only you know how it feels, and so only you can change it. We are so afraid of losing that feeling; many of us love the whole idea of love because of that feeling. Yet that is the one thing that no one can take away. We may lose the object of our love but there is nothing in our way from re-creating that feeling with someone else. Letting go should be easy and does not mean that we love the other any less. Love is not always enough to justify staying in a relationship. (continue reading…)

A little while back I wrote a piece on the South African psyche of not having faith in our ourselves that we will get things right (see Greg’s View on Fun). We always look forward and assume that we will mess it up, which the media then laps up and spews out there.

The pendulum has now swung to the other extreme. Now no negative press is tolerated by South Africans regarding the Soccer World Cup. We are now in a panacea of perfection and efficiency, despite actual experience. My experience is an example. I am aware that my comments may be seen by some as “afro-pessimism” or negative but it is a factual account of what happened. I also must point out a feature of my personality where I get frustrated when I see that things designed to achieve something are not being utilised properly.

Here is my experience of the opening game. (continue reading…)

I was chatting to some friends the other day and they were commenting on how proud they are of Adam Lambert because of how he has been himself despite criticism from the public. He has been himself? It’s very telling of how few of us can honestly say that we are being ourselves. How many of us actually know anything about ourselves? We are so quick to follow what people say: we adjust our diets when scientists tell us something is unhealthy; we buy new clothes in order to follow fashions being put forth by “them” over there in some other country; we change jobs when a consultant tells us we are not well-suited to what we’re doing. We’re always quick to follow others but would we know who to follow if we were the only person around? Do you know what food you would eat because it makes you feel good and your body responds well to it? What would you wear if it were entirely up to you; what would make you feel good about yourself? Do you know what job you would do that would make you bounce out of bed every morning? Who would you be? (continue reading…)

“Let’s just be friends”…the four words that many people dread while dating. They’re used as an easy escape – a way out of a difficult situation where one likes the other more. They’re spoken by cowards who are too afraid to hurt the other. They’re uttered when there is no intention of seeing each other again. This is sad because there’s nothing “just” about being friends.

Dating sites are interesting playgrounds. All types, including the shy and downright socially anxious, can get to mingle with others in total anonymity, often not even revealing what they look like. They can chat, flirt, propose meetings and fantasise (which is often what the proposed meetings are anyway).

Yet there are those who get upset by the playground. I have heard of people who throw malicious comments at others when they are rejected honestly. There is frustration when they have not found “the one” after being on the site for a “more than reasonable length of time”. Then there is that moment when you pluck up the courage to meet someone and they look nothing like their pictures, or the pictures are from the days before they put on 20 kg and 10 years. There is deception everywhere: we deceive ourselves daily otherwise we would not be living in this illusion we call life. And yet we expect everyone to be completely truthful…there are always skeletons in the closet! Sometimes that skeleton is 20 kg.

Playing the single game on dating websites (okay, that’s not entirely correct because some couples play the game too) should be fun. How do you make it fun? By making it completely goalless. The stress is only introduced by expectations, created by you, to meet the one you’ve just written to, to date the one you’ve just winked at, to have sex with the one who just winked back and/or marry the one you just had an awesome chat to. (The “and/or” is intentional because often all these expectations co-exist at one time).

Have you watched two toddlers meeting for the first time? Notice how they relate with no expectations. They giggle, cuddle, smile, kiss and sometimes push and bash in innocence with no expectation of friendship, marriage or sex. Notice how it is so easy for them, devoid of the anxiety of losing the other, upsetting them or never seeing them again. They just have their fun in the moment and then they part. Just like that. Simple.

The whole spectrum of relating is special and if we can play in this space, including the online dating space, like toddlers then we’ll begin to see just how simple it actually is. Have fun, whatever your definition of that is, and you’ll get everything that you desire because all you truly desire, deep down, is happiness and fun.

Recent events in my life have brought me to a stark realisation and these events have not been limited to a particular part of my life either. I have realised that it is most important to reveal your truth to yourself and stay in integrity with yourself, because then sticking out the difficult times is less traumatic. I’ll put it in context for you by telling a story:

There is a boy who is very popular at school because he always goes out of his way to have people like him and to impress them. He busies himself with helping people with their homework, studying hard to achieve good results, doing favours for people, even some he does not even like. This keeps him happy because his need to be liked is being fulfilled. However, he still feels hollow inside and unappreciated. His efforts to help are hollow and untrue to who he his and this fuels the need to be liked even more. Eventually he finds himself surrounded by people he cannot relate to and who do not understand him…lost in the need and so lost to himself. His life is pointless and unsatisfied.

So he decides to find out who he is but the truth scares him so he stays in the hollow space he is in. However, he now knows that this space is not his truth, even though he doesn’t fully understand what his truth is. This is enough to trigger change, which culminates in depression. Everything at this time appears dark and upsetting leading to irrational thoughts and random emotion. He is truly feeling lost to himself.

Yet there is a spark…a pilot light burning deep within him, guiding and comforting him. He has a choice: remain in the space he is in and continue to be plagued by the glimmer and spend his time dodging it, or turn to the light and ignite the flame. He chooses the flame.

His truth becomes clearer over time and all along he experiences events in his life that appear to discredit this truth. They are difficult times that lead to doubt, concern, upset and discomfort. Yet the flame is intriguing; he is mesmerised by its light and so he continues to follow it.

Now, years down the path, he is faced with situations that involve sabotage of his work, a broken heart and financial insecurity, yet he remains calm. His reactions are not explosive, nasty and vengeful. He is driven by purpose; a knowing that is now a raging fire that no amount of darkness can put out. Despite the chaos he sees peace. Despite what people are saying and doing around him, he knows with defiant certainty that the flame is all that matters and, because the flame burns so deep within him, it cannot be taken away. Although he may be discredited and heartsore, his path remains true…to himself and his purpose.

Never give up on you. It is the one thing that can never be taken away. And don’t be concerned that you may not have found your pilot light because it is there, burning faithfully, waiting for you to turn up the gas when you are ready. You will know when you are ready and it will be a time when you are cold and miserable for that is when the need for warmth is greatest; a warmth that will come from within.

Once again I give credit to my friends at TUT… A note from the Universe for this inspirational message: “No matter how things appear; no matter what you’ve overheard; and no matter how many people think otherwise… nothing can stop you, no one can hurt you, and you and I still have forever and ever”. You’re in your truth, just stop lying to yourself.