My dad always had a stoic exterior. It was hard for me to figure out what he was feeling and so I started to think it was because of me that my dad was ‘emotionless’. This created a gap in our bond. For many years I accepted that this would always be how it is.

Then one day I saw a glimpse of the emotion sitting behind the façade: a huge ball of untapped emotion that I had failed to see as I took too much responsibility and crucified myself for being a disappointment. At that point I decided to change. I chose to close the gap and connect again. With every encounter I grew closer to my dad and I started to experience the love between us. I felt like a son once more. I hugged him every time I saw him. I encouraged phone calls between us even though he is not fond of the phone.

Recently I spent two weeks on holiday with my folks, sharing a room with them. Admittedly there was initially trepidation as I had not spent so much time with them and in such close proximity since I moved out of home when I started working. This trip became the culmination of all the love and admiration I have for my dad. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had with my folks. It cemented our bond.

After the trip and after being ill for a while, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I felt my heart ache with the realisation that I could lose the person I had chosen to love so deeply. The pain became real with this realisation. The knowing that the bond would one day be physically broken has become hard to bear. Yet, I draw closer. Everyday I resist the temptation to back off because I have seen the beauty of loving someone with all my heart. I have never expected him to change but immediately when I changed my feelings towards him, he did change. As I gave more I saw the same in return. This will continue, even though we cannot be together forever. The pain is inevitable but I wouldn’t want to lose my dad without knowing that I put everything I could into our relationship.

Just today I visited him and I saw a man struggling to deal with the news of his immortality. I saw it in his eyes. The glow has gone, albeit maybe temporarily. I had to look away. Throughout the afternoon I struggled to look into those eyes…because it hurt too much.

So I live each day at a time, sharing and loving as we have been. There is no panic to our relationship, only a realisation that at some point we will have to part. And, yes, it will be painful for the one left behind.

Once again, I attach Jewel’s ‘Satisfied’ – a song that is a gift to me, and all those who want to experience all that love has to offer.

Last night was not a good night. First my dry, sore throat woke me up (the consequence of blocked sinuses from a head cold), then oppressive heat wouldn’t allow me to sleep, followed by a persistent mosquito (why is there always just that one?), and then my two Jack Russells joined me on the bed because of thunder.

This ‘chaos’ brought on an interesting dream. In my house I have a wall covered in mirrors of various shapes and sizes. In wandering around my house I noticed that this wall was now blank…the mirrors all lay shattered on the floor. Immediately I was angry and searching for someone to blame but, as I walked around the house, I started to realise that it wasn’t actually mine…that it is all a dream and that I have the power to pull myself out of it.

This dream comes at a really significant time for me as I realise and deal with some shame that is being covered by an addiction in relating. (continue reading…)

“Just as the acorn existed within the oak, even when the oak was a seedling; and as the oak existed within the earth, even before there were trees; and as the earth existed within the galaxy, even before there were planets… there has never been a time when you did not exist within me… during which we dreamed all else into being.” – From Notes from the Universe

We cannot live in isolation and most of us would not choose to if we could. We are a part of this world no matter how hard some may try not to be. We are a part of everything that we experience and all that we experience is what we make it to be. We create our daily experiences, even though a lot of what we come in contact with exists with or without us; we create our experience when we make contact with it.

Relating is exactly like this. The beauty of perception can be seen in your encounters with others. Your experience is influenced by your past, your outlook on life in that instant, and your previous encounters with the person you are relating with. Put simply, we create the way we experience others, so one could deduce that we then experience ourselves in others. In psychology it is referred to as “the mirror” and Jodene and I like to see it as “you are always with your equal”, whether it is friends or a lover.

When you meet someone you sense a connection; there is something that either draws them to you or not. That all depends on what truth about yourself you are ready to see. As that changes so should the company you keep. Relationships are fluid like the world we live in. There may be pain when parting but suffering is a choice. Choose to let them go and wish them well on the path they are on.

I am not proud of the reasons why I choose to hold on to some of the people in my life. I can see that some of it is the result of fear. Well, to be honest, we all only hold on because of fear. I am afraid that I will not be able to re-create the experiences I had with those friends when those experiences were my creation…so surely I can create even bigger and better ones with anyone I choose? Others are afraid that their relationship has lasted so many years and should not be thrown away, when time does not make a friendship. Some people you meet you immediately feel you’ve known forever, while others you may never truly feel you know, despite how long you have had contact.

I speak a lot of ending relationships when there are other options to choose from. All that is really necessary is for you to change your perception of the other person in order to change your relationship with them. Either this will put you back into integrity with yourself (telling yourself the truth about what you see about yourself in the relationship), or you will naturally and easily drift apart.

Should you choose to continue in a relationship despite the changes in yourself that have rendered your partner incompatible, frustration will set in. You will become more and more irritated by your partner and everything they do or do not do. Have you noticed how in a relationship you put up with a lot of things that, once you have decided to leave, become an issue? You look back and wonder how you managed? You now see no reason to put up with those things anymore. However, my point is that this frustration with your partner is more about you. It shows how much you are out of integrity with yourself. As you establish your value for yourself you may discover that your partner does not give to you what you want. This is frustrating for you and the temptation is to blame them or to try changing them to fit this description. Jealousy then results as you perceive them giving to others what you feel you should be getting.

I choose to still have certain friends around, despite my frustration, because I see a beautiful connection. That connection is merely my choosing to continue to learn from my experience with them. It is a beautiful bond but it is not the romantic bond of fairytales.

One thing is for certain; all our relationships are allowing us to experience ourselves. It’s all about you…always…as much as you are tempted to blame others.

My blog entry “when 95% is not enough” got an amazing response and seemed to strike a chord within the hearts and minds of many of you. For me though, that realisation has not been enough and I know that some of you can relate. It is all good and well to end a relationship but that does not end the love we have for the other – that love doesn’t go away, nor should it.

In practice, my mind (which is so my ego) needs to work out what to do with this love and the beautiful memories it holds from the relationship. It tries to trash them by focusing on my ex’s faults and making them bigger than they are (especially when those perceived “faults” now have less impact on me), or it builds frustration that the relationship could not be the 100% that I know I want and can have, or it seeks to re-create the relationship. (continue reading…)

Recently a friend asked me whether I believe that we are born to love. We were listening to Jewel singing “Satisfied” at the time and these are the lyrics that sparked the question: “We were born to love. Did you say it? Did you mean it? Did you lay it all on the line?” My response was that I believe in the whole message rather than only the first sentence.

“We were born to love” gets thrown around so much today and has become so misinterpreted. Society portrays love as Hollywood romance and Disney family relationships, when one of the keys to love is truth. If you love someone there should be no reservation to telling them how you feel, even if it sometimes hurts them. After all, love is a knowing: it is a feeling deep inside that you can’t put into words. I go so far as to say that it is your own creation as you choose to love and only you know how it feels, and so only you can change it. We are so afraid of losing that feeling; many of us love the whole idea of love because of that feeling. Yet that is the one thing that no one can take away. We may lose the object of our love but there is nothing in our way from re-creating that feeling with someone else. Letting go should be easy and does not mean that we love the other any less. Love is not always enough to justify staying in a relationship. (continue reading…)