Last night was not a good night. First my dry, sore throat woke me up (the consequence of blocked sinuses from a head cold), then oppressive heat wouldn’t allow me to sleep, followed by a persistent mosquito (why is there always just that one?), and then my two Jack Russells joined me on the bed because of thunder.

This ‘chaos’ brought on an interesting dream. In my house I have a wall covered in mirrors of various shapes and sizes. In wandering around my house I noticed that this wall was now blank…the mirrors all lay shattered on the floor. Immediately I was angry and searching for someone to blame but, as I walked around the house, I started to realise that it wasn’t actually mine…that it is all a dream and that I have the power to pull myself out of it.

This dream comes at a really significant time for me as I realise and deal with some shame that is being covered by an addiction in relating. (continue reading…)

“Just as the acorn existed within the oak, even when the oak was a seedling; and as the oak existed within the earth, even before there were trees; and as the earth existed within the galaxy, even before there were planets… there has never been a time when you did not exist within me… during which we dreamed all else into being.” – From Notes from the Universe

We cannot live in isolation and most of us would not choose to if we could. We are a part of this world no matter how hard some may try not to be. We are a part of everything that we experience and all that we experience is what we make it to be. We create our daily experiences, even though a lot of what we come in contact with exists with or without us; we create our experience when we make contact with it.

Relating is exactly like this. The beauty of perception can be seen in your encounters with others. Your experience is influenced by your past, your outlook on life in that instant, and your previous encounters with the person you are relating with. Put simply, we create the way we experience others, so one could deduce that we then experience ourselves in others. In psychology it is referred to as “the mirror” and Jodene and I like to see it as “you are always with your equal”, whether it is friends or a lover.

When you meet someone you sense a connection; there is something that either draws them to you or not. That all depends on what truth about yourself you are ready to see. As that changes so should the company you keep. Relationships are fluid like the world we live in. There may be pain when parting but suffering is a choice. Choose to let them go and wish them well on the path they are on.

I am not proud of the reasons why I choose to hold on to some of the people in my life. I can see that some of it is the result of fear. Well, to be honest, we all only hold on because of fear. I am afraid that I will not be able to re-create the experiences I had with those friends when those experiences were my creation…so surely I can create even bigger and better ones with anyone I choose? Others are afraid that their relationship has lasted so many years and should not be thrown away, when time does not make a friendship. Some people you meet you immediately feel you’ve known forever, while others you may never truly feel you know, despite how long you have had contact.

I speak a lot of ending relationships when there are other options to choose from. All that is really necessary is for you to change your perception of the other person in order to change your relationship with them. Either this will put you back into integrity with yourself (telling yourself the truth about what you see about yourself in the relationship), or you will naturally and easily drift apart.

Should you choose to continue in a relationship despite the changes in yourself that have rendered your partner incompatible, frustration will set in. You will become more and more irritated by your partner and everything they do or do not do. Have you noticed how in a relationship you put up with a lot of things that, once you have decided to leave, become an issue? You look back and wonder how you managed? You now see no reason to put up with those things anymore. However, my point is that this frustration with your partner is more about you. It shows how much you are out of integrity with yourself. As you establish your value for yourself you may discover that your partner does not give to you what you want. This is frustrating for you and the temptation is to blame them or to try changing them to fit this description. Jealousy then results as you perceive them giving to others what you feel you should be getting.

I choose to still have certain friends around, despite my frustration, because I see a beautiful connection. That connection is merely my choosing to continue to learn from my experience with them. It is a beautiful bond but it is not the romantic bond of fairytales.

One thing is for certain; all our relationships are allowing us to experience ourselves. It’s all about you…always…as much as you are tempted to blame others.

“That’s a hell of a story” were his words to me as I finished relating my journey of sexual discovery to him. “Is it?” I thought.

Despite having sung together for weeks, we had never really connected and then we had another singer join us and that brought us together. Nicholas and I began to discover things about each other that one would have thought we should have known by now. Take for instance the fact that he lives up the road from me. The pianist has been giving him a lift when I have almost been driving past his house every time I’ve headed to rehearsal!

How often do we engage with people and yet know nothing about them? Nic and I went for beers after the last rehearsal, spontaneously – the way I like it. I began to realise how much we have in common and how, given the opportunity, we all have a story to tell. We all have “a hell of a story” to tell, in fact. (continue reading…)

Recently a friend asked me whether I believe that we are born to love. We were listening to Jewel singing “Satisfied” at the time and these are the lyrics that sparked the question: “We were born to love. Did you say it? Did you mean it? Did you lay it all on the line?” My response was that I believe in the whole message rather than only the first sentence.

“We were born to love” gets thrown around so much today and has become so misinterpreted. Society portrays love as Hollywood romance and Disney family relationships, when one of the keys to love is truth. If you love someone there should be no reservation to telling them how you feel, even if it sometimes hurts them. After all, love is a knowing: it is a feeling deep inside that you can’t put into words. I go so far as to say that it is your own creation as you choose to love and only you know how it feels, and so only you can change it. We are so afraid of losing that feeling; many of us love the whole idea of love because of that feeling. Yet that is the one thing that no one can take away. We may lose the object of our love but there is nothing in our way from re-creating that feeling with someone else. Letting go should be easy and does not mean that we love the other any less. Love is not always enough to justify staying in a relationship. (continue reading…)

My last intimate relationship had 95% of what I am looking for. We love each other dearly, we are truthful with each other, we have fun together and there is a strong attraction but there is something missing. We both know what it is and its nature means it cannot be overcome without drastic change on both sides.

I believe that 100% perfect relationships exist. You see evidence of it around you: couples who have spent a lifetime together who still enjoy making love to each other, doing things together and talking things through truthfully, as much as it may sometimes hurt. I’ve seen it; I know it exists and I know that I can have it.

But surely 95% is enough? Am I being idealist or greedy? (continue reading…)