My dad always had a stoic exterior. It was hard for me to figure out what he was feeling and so I started to think it was because of me that my dad was ‘emotionless’. This created a gap in our bond. For many years I accepted that this would always be how it is.

Then one day I saw a glimpse of the emotion sitting behind the façade: a huge ball of untapped emotion that I had failed to see as I took too much responsibility and crucified myself for being a disappointment. At that point I decided to change. I chose to close the gap and connect again. With every encounter I grew closer to my dad and I started to experience the love between us. I felt like a son once more. I hugged him every time I saw him. I encouraged phone calls between us even though he is not fond of the phone.

Recently I spent two weeks on holiday with my folks, sharing a room with them. Admittedly there was initially trepidation as I had not spent so much time with them and in such close proximity since I moved out of home when I started working. This trip became the culmination of all the love and admiration I have for my dad. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had with my folks. It cemented our bond.

After the trip and after being ill for a while, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I felt my heart ache with the realisation that I could lose the person I had chosen to love so deeply. The pain became real with this realisation. The knowing that the bond would one day be physically broken has become hard to bear. Yet, I draw closer. Everyday I resist the temptation to back off because I have seen the beauty of loving someone with all my heart. I have never expected him to change but immediately when I changed my feelings towards him, he did change. As I gave more I saw the same in return. This will continue, even though we cannot be together forever. The pain is inevitable but I wouldn’t want to lose my dad without knowing that I put everything I could into our relationship.

Just today I visited him and I saw a man struggling to deal with the news of his immortality. I saw it in his eyes. The glow has gone, albeit maybe temporarily. I had to look away. Throughout the afternoon I struggled to look into those eyes…because it hurt too much.

So I live each day at a time, sharing and loving as we have been. There is no panic to our relationship, only a realisation that at some point we will have to part. And, yes, it will be painful for the one left behind.

Once again, I attach Jewel’s ‘Satisfied’ – a song that is a gift to me, and all those who want to experience all that love has to offer.

Recently a friend asked me whether I believe that we are born to love. We were listening to Jewel singing “Satisfied” at the time and these are the lyrics that sparked the question: “We were born to love. Did you say it? Did you mean it? Did you lay it all on the line?” My response was that I believe in the whole message rather than only the first sentence.

“We were born to love” gets thrown around so much today and has become so misinterpreted. Society portrays love as Hollywood romance and Disney family relationships, when one of the keys to love is truth. If you love someone there should be no reservation to telling them how you feel, even if it sometimes hurts them. After all, love is a knowing: it is a feeling deep inside that you can’t put into words. I go so far as to say that it is your own creation as you choose to love and only you know how it feels, and so only you can change it. We are so afraid of losing that feeling; many of us love the whole idea of love because of that feeling. Yet that is the one thing that no one can take away. We may lose the object of our love but there is nothing in our way from re-creating that feeling with someone else. Letting go should be easy and does not mean that we love the other any less. Love is not always enough to justify staying in a relationship. (continue reading…)

There are people who do not use their words. They find it difficult to express matters of the heart and yet I prefer it that way. So often I have been disillusioned and disappointed by guys who have said the most beautiful things. Then there were those with nothing worthwhile to say; they really shouldn’t have said anything. Is it becoming clearer how I despise the limitation and deception of words? One of my favourite songs is Ronan Keating’s “You say it best when you say nothing at all”.

I have always preferred non-verbal communication to the bastardised and crude spoken word. So writing has been a really interesting experience for me because there is nothing more than damn words, but that’s the subject of another blog.

People do not have to tell me they love me. Yet such loving people surround me. Together we face our fears. They choose me to do brave things with for the first time. They wink at me across the table in restaurants. They smile encouragingly when I need the support. So I don’t care that the word “love” may never pass their lips because love shines from their eyes, is written all over their actions and sits in their hearts for all to see. Well, for all those who can look beyond the words and see what lies behind.

Some things throw me to the fire – they challenge me like never before. Then I stand still. I wait for the fire to die. I wait for the challenge to go away and for everything to become easy again. Why do I wait?

I have one of those situations at the moment. I’m in the midst of a fire that is burning hot. It is branding my skin and is raging through my life. I try to deny it. I make it go away … briefly … until I feel the burning again. That burning is the reminder that I have not acknowledged its warmth.

I love people for who they are and what they are capable of being. This can lead to disappointment when they choose not to reach that potential or to be who they truly are. Yet that is beautiful too in that it shows the value of choice and how we all have a side that is powerful, strong and yet…hidden.

I prefer to keep a part of me hidden too. (continue reading…)

If you’re a user of an internet dating site I’m sure you will be able to relate to my experiences. Everyone who uses these very important platforms of modern relating has stories to tell, some worse than others, but then “worse” is relative: to the person experiencing it, it is the worst! My friends and I often compare experiences over a glass of wine.

Which one shall I start with? There was the guy with only the now common torso pic of tanned and toned body (the thumbnails of those online are littered with these sorts of torsos). I liked his profile (I usually choose not to go for these types of profiles) and sent him a message. Usually I don’t get a response from these sorts of guys for reasons I haven’t quite worked out. He responded and said he would like to chat so we went into the chat room and did that. It was a general chat that was flowing nicely and then he was gone…never to chat again even though he has been online since. No reason. Nothing. Just gone. He is “looking for decent people”….

Then there is the one who was all keen to meet up as he believes in chemistry and timing. We battled to coordinate diaries and so a couple of days went by. I sent him a message saying when I was available and I got no response…ever again. Obviously the timing was off.

And there’s the story of another guy who I exchanged numbers with. We get on like a house on fire via text message. We have arranged to meet for drinks once – he had work so had to cancel – and then the chatting fell quiet. Then I got a message from him asking why I’ve been so quiet. I messaged him back and heard nothing! When I re-initiated the chatting he couldn’t remember who I was! Me – the unforgettable!

Finally there’s the one who messaged me first and spoke of meeting me for days, while we chatted over msn. Then he decided that he wouldn’t meet me because of his fear of being hurt. I was frustrated that here is someone I get on really well with and whom I may never meet. Yet we continue to have the most awesome chats. Mmmmm….

How do I deal with the rejection and some of the behaviour that eludes my understanding?
I see that I end up meeting the ones I really (deep down) want to meet and chatting endlessly to those I want to chat to.
I meet people when the time is right to meet them and that it is often not when I arrange to meet them.
I see that we all have our secrets that lead to the perception of deception.
I want to meet that “perfect person” but, at the same time, am afraid of that perfect person and the vulnerability that is required to love them.
I have to really push myself to always tell the truth to the people I meet…especially when it is to tell them that I do not want to see them again.

Every experience is special in some way and this is what makes it all so much fun. Even when I hear those words…”Let’s just be friends…” because friends are fun too!