“Just as the acorn existed within the oak, even when the oak was a seedling; and as the oak existed within the earth, even before there were trees; and as the earth existed within the galaxy, even before there were planets… there has never been a time when you did not exist within me… during which we dreamed all else into being.” – From Notes from the Universe

We cannot live in isolation and most of us would not choose to if we could. We are a part of this world no matter how hard some may try not to be. We are a part of everything that we experience and all that we experience is what we make it to be. We create our daily experiences, even though a lot of what we come in contact with exists with or without us; we create our experience when we make contact with it.

Relating is exactly like this. The beauty of perception can be seen in your encounters with others. Your experience is influenced by your past, your outlook on life in that instant, and your previous encounters with the person you are relating with. Put simply, we create the way we experience others, so one could deduce that we then experience ourselves in others. In psychology it is referred to as “the mirror” and Jodene and I like to see it as “you are always with your equal”, whether it is friends or a lover.

When you meet someone you sense a connection; there is something that either draws them to you or not. That all depends on what truth about yourself you are ready to see. As that changes so should the company you keep. Relationships are fluid like the world we live in. There may be pain when parting but suffering is a choice. Choose to let them go and wish them well on the path they are on.

I am not proud of the reasons why I choose to hold on to some of the people in my life. I can see that some of it is the result of fear. Well, to be honest, we all only hold on because of fear. I am afraid that I will not be able to re-create the experiences I had with those friends when those experiences were my creation…so surely I can create even bigger and better ones with anyone I choose? Others are afraid that their relationship has lasted so many years and should not be thrown away, when time does not make a friendship. Some people you meet you immediately feel you’ve known forever, while others you may never truly feel you know, despite how long you have had contact.

I speak a lot of ending relationships when there are other options to choose from. All that is really necessary is for you to change your perception of the other person in order to change your relationship with them. Either this will put you back into integrity with yourself (telling yourself the truth about what you see about yourself in the relationship), or you will naturally and easily drift apart.

Should you choose to continue in a relationship despite the changes in yourself that have rendered your partner incompatible, frustration will set in. You will become more and more irritated by your partner and everything they do or do not do. Have you noticed how in a relationship you put up with a lot of things that, once you have decided to leave, become an issue? You look back and wonder how you managed? You now see no reason to put up with those things anymore. However, my point is that this frustration with your partner is more about you. It shows how much you are out of integrity with yourself. As you establish your value for yourself you may discover that your partner does not give to you what you want. This is frustrating for you and the temptation is to blame them or to try changing them to fit this description. Jealousy then results as you perceive them giving to others what you feel you should be getting.

I choose to still have certain friends around, despite my frustration, because I see a beautiful connection. That connection is merely my choosing to continue to learn from my experience with them. It is a beautiful bond but it is not the romantic bond of fairytales.

One thing is for certain; all our relationships are allowing us to experience ourselves. It’s all about you…always…as much as you are tempted to blame others.

“Let’s just be friends”…the four words that many people dread while dating. They’re used as an easy escape – a way out of a difficult situation where one likes the other more. They’re spoken by cowards who are too afraid to hurt the other. They’re uttered when there is no intention of seeing each other again. This is sad because there’s nothing “just” about being friends.

Dating sites are interesting playgrounds. All types, including the shy and downright socially anxious, can get to mingle with others in total anonymity, often not even revealing what they look like. They can chat, flirt, propose meetings and fantasise (which is often what the proposed meetings are anyway).

Yet there are those who get upset by the playground. I have heard of people who throw malicious comments at others when they are rejected honestly. There is frustration when they have not found “the one” after being on the site for a “more than reasonable length of time”. Then there is that moment when you pluck up the courage to meet someone and they look nothing like their pictures, or the pictures are from the days before they put on 20 kg and 10 years. There is deception everywhere: we deceive ourselves daily otherwise we would not be living in this illusion we call life. And yet we expect everyone to be completely truthful…there are always skeletons in the closet! Sometimes that skeleton is 20 kg.

Playing the single game on dating websites (okay, that’s not entirely correct because some couples play the game too) should be fun. How do you make it fun? By making it completely goalless. The stress is only introduced by expectations, created by you, to meet the one you’ve just written to, to date the one you’ve just winked at, to have sex with the one who just winked back and/or marry the one you just had an awesome chat to. (The “and/or” is intentional because often all these expectations co-exist at one time).

Have you watched two toddlers meeting for the first time? Notice how they relate with no expectations. They giggle, cuddle, smile, kiss and sometimes push and bash in innocence with no expectation of friendship, marriage or sex. Notice how it is so easy for them, devoid of the anxiety of losing the other, upsetting them or never seeing them again. They just have their fun in the moment and then they part. Just like that. Simple.

The whole spectrum of relating is special and if we can play in this space, including the online dating space, like toddlers then we’ll begin to see just how simple it actually is. Have fun, whatever your definition of that is, and you’ll get everything that you desire because all you truly desire, deep down, is happiness and fun.

If you’re a user of an internet dating site I’m sure you will be able to relate to my experiences. Everyone who uses these very important platforms of modern relating has stories to tell, some worse than others, but then “worse” is relative: to the person experiencing it, it is the worst! My friends and I often compare experiences over a glass of wine.

Which one shall I start with? There was the guy with only the now common torso pic of tanned and toned body (the thumbnails of those online are littered with these sorts of torsos). I liked his profile (I usually choose not to go for these types of profiles) and sent him a message. Usually I don’t get a response from these sorts of guys for reasons I haven’t quite worked out. He responded and said he would like to chat so we went into the chat room and did that. It was a general chat that was flowing nicely and then he was gone…never to chat again even though he has been online since. No reason. Nothing. Just gone. He is “looking for decent people”….

Then there is the one who was all keen to meet up as he believes in chemistry and timing. We battled to coordinate diaries and so a couple of days went by. I sent him a message saying when I was available and I got no response…ever again. Obviously the timing was off.

And there’s the story of another guy who I exchanged numbers with. We get on like a house on fire via text message. We have arranged to meet for drinks once – he had work so had to cancel – and then the chatting fell quiet. Then I got a message from him asking why I’ve been so quiet. I messaged him back and heard nothing! When I re-initiated the chatting he couldn’t remember who I was! Me – the unforgettable!

Finally there’s the one who messaged me first and spoke of meeting me for days, while we chatted over msn. Then he decided that he wouldn’t meet me because of his fear of being hurt. I was frustrated that here is someone I get on really well with and whom I may never meet. Yet we continue to have the most awesome chats. Mmmmm….

How do I deal with the rejection and some of the behaviour that eludes my understanding?
I see that I end up meeting the ones I really (deep down) want to meet and chatting endlessly to those I want to chat to.
I meet people when the time is right to meet them and that it is often not when I arrange to meet them.
I see that we all have our secrets that lead to the perception of deception.
I want to meet that “perfect person” but, at the same time, am afraid of that perfect person and the vulnerability that is required to love them.
I have to really push myself to always tell the truth to the people I meet…especially when it is to tell them that I do not want to see them again.

Every experience is special in some way and this is what makes it all so much fun. Even when I hear those words…”Let’s just be friends…” because friends are fun too!