My dad always had a stoic exterior. It was hard for me to figure out what he was feeling and so I started to think it was because of me that my dad was ‘emotionless’. This created a gap in our bond. For many years I accepted that this would always be how it is.

Then one day I saw a glimpse of the emotion sitting behind the façade: a huge ball of untapped emotion that I had failed to see as I took too much responsibility and crucified myself for being a disappointment. At that point I decided to change. I chose to close the gap and connect again. With every encounter I grew closer to my dad and I started to experience the love between us. I felt like a son once more. I hugged him every time I saw him. I encouraged phone calls between us even though he is not fond of the phone.

Recently I spent two weeks on holiday with my folks, sharing a room with them. Admittedly there was initially trepidation as I had not spent so much time with them and in such close proximity since I moved out of home when I started working. This trip became the culmination of all the love and admiration I have for my dad. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had with my folks. It cemented our bond.

After the trip and after being ill for a while, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I felt my heart ache with the realisation that I could lose the person I had chosen to love so deeply. The pain became real with this realisation. The knowing that the bond would one day be physically broken has become hard to bear. Yet, I draw closer. Everyday I resist the temptation to back off because I have seen the beauty of loving someone with all my heart. I have never expected him to change but immediately when I changed my feelings towards him, he did change. As I gave more I saw the same in return. This will continue, even though we cannot be together forever. The pain is inevitable but I wouldn’t want to lose my dad without knowing that I put everything I could into our relationship.

Just today I visited him and I saw a man struggling to deal with the news of his immortality. I saw it in his eyes. The glow has gone, albeit maybe temporarily. I had to look away. Throughout the afternoon I struggled to look into those eyes…because it hurt too much.

So I live each day at a time, sharing and loving as we have been. There is no panic to our relationship, only a realisation that at some point we will have to part. And, yes, it will be painful for the one left behind.

Once again, I attach Jewel’s ‘Satisfied’ – a song that is a gift to me, and all those who want to experience all that love has to offer.

Some things throw me to the fire – they challenge me like never before. Then I stand still. I wait for the fire to die. I wait for the challenge to go away and for everything to become easy again. Why do I wait?

I have one of those situations at the moment. I’m in the midst of a fire that is burning hot. It is branding my skin and is raging through my life. I try to deny it. I make it go away … briefly … until I feel the burning again. That burning is the reminder that I have not acknowledged its warmth.

I love people for who they are and what they are capable of being. This can lead to disappointment when they choose not to reach that potential or to be who they truly are. Yet that is beautiful too in that it shows the value of choice and how we all have a side that is powerful, strong and yet…hidden.

I prefer to keep a part of me hidden too. (continue reading…)

We live in a world where everyone is trying to fix something. There is self-help and life coaching to fix people’s broken lives. There is international aid to “fix” the downtrodden. And there are the interventions to “fix” the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

And then there is the view of British scientists that the best thing to do with the oil spill is…nothing. Yes, nothing. Do nothing. According to an article published in the Mail & Guardian (Doing nothing might have been best for BP oil spill), chemical intervention to break up the oil faster does more long-term environmental damage than the oil itself. The drive to mop up is more driven by the politicians’ need to be seen to do something than what is actually best for the environment.

How much of a need is there for us to be seen to be doing something to better ourselves? (continue reading…)

2010 can be fun – it’s our choice.

Sometimes one of the hardest things to do is have fun. We find every possible reason not to.

Next year South Africa hosts the World Cup. The country has been abuzz with talk of “2010” for four years now. For four years we’ve been looking forward to hosting the biggest event on the sporting calendar. Yet we have yet to get excited. We have yet to start enjoying the fact that we will be the centre of the sporting stage in a year’s time. There is still concern that we will not be able to host it; until recently we even believed that there was a chance that FIFA would move the event. Newspaper reports still focus on the reasons why we will not be able to host a successful event even though FIFA is confident.

Last Saturday a journalist pointed out that there are still no good news stories going around on how South Africa has almost completed the stadia, has upgraded transport systems and is successfully hosting the Confederations Cup. No, instead the papers are filled with the news that the Egyptian soccer team’s hotel rooms were robbed, once again highlighting the crime in the country, despite reports on how this has happened across the world at large sporting events.

So when does the fun begin? When do we start enjoying being the centre of attention and hosting such a great event? We should start before we miss it.

How’s the event you’re hosting that you call “life”? No matter what is happening it should be fun. Even the low points hold anticipation of the high. It is so tempting to take life seriously but it is more refreshing to just let all things go and to approach the days with innocence, purity and trust. Choosing fun does not mean then that you have control of the outcome though, which actually makes it more fun because you never know what will happen! Just as we don’t know how the World Cup will go. All we know is that we can choose to enjoy it!

So choose fun today, tomorrow and in 2010. And enjoy not knowing the outcome.

This had to be one of the most difficult newsletters for me to write.  I can’t tell you why. I can’t explain the place I am in. All I know is that there has been a block to writing for a month now.

My life has taken such an unexpected turn – I now understand why one needs to form your own view on the world.  Living your life following the expectations of others is unsatisfying and leaves you filled with resentment. Yet living your own life – experiencing it through your own eyes, formed by your own experiences, is invigorating and inspirational to others.  However, this can lead to a lonely existence because others may struggle to relate to you.  The foreignness of what you are saying may drive them away.  But the intrigue will pull them back. No one can truly resist the truth. We may die trying but it always comes out.

If you had to take this particular slice of time and space and be able to keep it forever, would it be a prize possession? Would it be something that you would be proud of? Would you be able to look at it with immense admiration and boast about it to friends? If not, then what are you doing? Why sit in moments that are not serving you …not taking you towards happiness?  We all want happiness but do not want to do anything about it. We all want peace and quiet. We all want to understand why some children appear to have it easy while others seem to struggle all their lives.  Why is that? Choice.  We can choose to be happy.  We can choose to have writer’s block or we can choose not to. We can choose to live in our truth and be different. Or we can choose to fit into a crowd whom we don’t truly know.

Who are you?  Why are you making life so difficult?  Detach from the drama, have a blast, and remember to ask yourself, “what if this is the one moment that I get to take with me?”. Would you want to take it?