I love the stage. I’m on one given any opportunity. I’ve been acting since standard 5 (grade 7). In fact, my friends tell me I’m always on stage but they exaggerate. I’m not that dramatic.

One of the things that draws me to performing is the adrenalin rush. Standing backstage as the opening music begins to play, the audience settles down to silence and the lights dim, my heart races, my pores become damp (I know – it’s beautiful), and I can’t stand still. My words and dance moves are racing through my head as I calm my ego down by telling it that I’ve done it before and I have fun regardless of whether I commit a boo-boo. I have been known to exit stage left when the rest of the company waits for me to start the next introduction. And I do know how to stand dead still while the rest of the company is in the midst of a step-ball-change with jazz-hands, purely because my mind kicked in causing me to forget which song we were performing (honestly, it does happen). Yet, it is one of my greatest thrills to be on stage, entertaining a crowd, in whatever way. I have fun.

People who watch me notice that and tell me how much fun they can see I am having. They comment on how comfortable I am up there in the spotlight. So some don’t understand my backstage anxiety. For me, it is a necessary part of doing what I love.

One of my favourite authors is Paulo Coelho, mainly because of how he chooses to see life and how he puts his life out there for the world to see. Admittedly, sometimes he shrouds it in such a way that it is difficult to distinguish the fact from the fiction, but he does it nevertheless. Recently he was quoted as saying, about the release of his latest book, “Every time I release a new book … I feel like (I’m) making love for the first time: fear, agony and extasis (ecstasy)”. He is an accomplished author who has released a number of bestsellers and he still experiences fear when releasing a book. Who would have thought?

Doing what you love and are passionate about is not necessarily easy. It still feels scary because it is the creation of something new that drives you and keeps it fun. Yet releasing anything new into the world is still going to uncover any fears of failure, rejection or criticism. For every person that loves your work there will be someone who doesn’t. That is the nature of the duality of the world; it is what creates the necessary balance. Even the revered visionaries of our time have their critics and our ego is aware of that and that is what drives the fear.

So the fear doesn’t go away nor should it. If you have no fear then how is it fun? Surely then it is just routine; going through the motions? If my performances were not preceded by angst and ego chaos (oh, if I could record the goings on in my head they would be a bestseller), then I would not experience the adrenalin rush that releases the flood of endorphins that gets me feeling really awesome after a show. More awesome than I already am.

Fear can drive us to achieve the unfathomable; that which our soul craves and shouts out when the ego is not paying attention. I don’t want it to go away. I just wish it didn’t make me sweat so much.

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