“Let’s just be friends”…the four words that many people dread while dating. They’re used as an easy escape – a way out of a difficult situation where one likes the other more. They’re spoken by cowards who are too afraid to hurt the other. They’re uttered when there is no intention of seeing each other again. This is sad because there’s nothing “just” about being friends.

Dating sites are interesting playgrounds. All types, including the shy and downright socially anxious, can get to mingle with others in total anonymity, often not even revealing what they look like. They can chat, flirt, propose meetings and fantasise (which is often what the proposed meetings are anyway).

Yet there are those who get upset by the playground. I have heard of people who throw malicious comments at others when they are rejected honestly. There is frustration when they have not found “the one” after being on the site for a “more than reasonable length of time”. Then there is that moment when you pluck up the courage to meet someone and they look nothing like their pictures, or the pictures are from the days before they put on 20 kg and 10 years. There is deception everywhere: we deceive ourselves daily otherwise we would not be living in this illusion we call life. And yet we expect everyone to be completely truthful…there are always skeletons in the closet! Sometimes that skeleton is 20 kg.

Playing the single game on dating websites (okay, that’s not entirely correct because some couples play the game too) should be fun. How do you make it fun? By making it completely goalless. The stress is only introduced by expectations, created by you, to meet the one you’ve just written to, to date the one you’ve just winked at, to have sex with the one who just winked back and/or marry the one you just had an awesome chat to. (The “and/or” is intentional because often all these expectations co-exist at one time).

Have you watched two toddlers meeting for the first time? Notice how they relate with no expectations. They giggle, cuddle, smile, kiss and sometimes push and bash in innocence with no expectation of friendship, marriage or sex. Notice how it is so easy for them, devoid of the anxiety of losing the other, upsetting them or never seeing them again. They just have their fun in the moment and then they part. Just like that. Simple.

The whole spectrum of relating is special and if we can play in this space, including the online dating space, like toddlers then we’ll begin to see just how simple it actually is. Have fun, whatever your definition of that is, and you’ll get everything that you desire because all you truly desire, deep down, is happiness and fun.

There are two parts to all of us. We travel through life as both Soul and Ego. Soul is brave, lives in the present, loves unconditionally and is everything and everyone. Soul…well…just is.

Ego loves us dearly and all it wants is for us to be safe. As a result, ego wants us not to change and grow. It wants to keep things as they are because it is known and safe. It wants to control everything to ensure that there are never any surprises.

The soul and the ego are connected by a bridge. The closer the two are to each other the stronger the bridge. If they grow apart the bridge starts to crumble and can eventually fall away completely, resulting in a kind of split personality, where they appear to be different people and one cannot relate to the other, even carrying different memory.

This bridge is fragile and needs to be nurtured. Keep the ego close but see it as the movie it is meant to be. Listen to your gut… listen to soul. It is not possible to live completely in soul and still be in the body so this is not the aim. Keep the bridge strong between the two and you will grow. The bridge is the love you have for you, like the glue holding a healthy relationship together.

The story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is a good analogy. Dr Jekyll is a likeable and kind man with many friends, but he has a dark side. He takes a potion to bring this dark side, which he calls Mr Hyde, to life. Over time though the potion becomes unnecessary and Mr Hyde takes on a life of his own, being a cruel, bitter and remorseless being. Jung always spoke of not ignoring your shadow and this story represents the dire consequences of not heeding this advice.

So, ensure you give your Mr Hyde his dues. Nurture the ego without becoming it, because you are Dr Jekyll. Always remember who you truly are and not who everyone else wants you to be.

You can see that this is all about how you relate with you. This influences how you relate with others and contributes to what is happening in relationships in the world today. While you lack love for yourself the bridge is long and fragile and you do a lot to be what others want of you. This is how people lose themselves in relationships. Work on you first. Get that bridge shorter. Ensure that ego and soul are happy bed buddies and then you can reach out and relate to others in a way that will be healthy and fun for you.

Sometimes music just pops into my head for no reason. I will not have heard the song recently and there is no apparent external prompt. This time it was “Getting to know you” from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I”. The reason this is bizarre is because it is not a favourite of mine (although if you knew me then a show tune popping into my head would not surprise you).

I then thought carefully about the words and related it to the myriad of relating that is happening in my life. When we meet someone and immediately “click” with them we know them already. We often say that we recognise them from somewhere or that it is like we have known them all our life. They are easy to talk to and understand us like few others do, even though we have just met.

We then embark on a process of “getting to know” them: what work they do; where they live; are they married?; do they have children? Yet these things do not alter our perception of the other because we know them. I have to correct the last sentence: these things should not alter our perception of the other but sometimes they do. When we learn things about the other that make us uncomfortable, because they reflect something within ourselves, often our perception of them does change. I know that I can get very uncomfortable with people who are very much like me because of the very fact that I see a lot of me in them.

“Once I got to know them I realised they weren’t for me,” I’ve heard myself say on occasion. This isn’t entirely true because in hindsight I knew deep down that they were never for me right from the start. The ego just needed to work it out for itself. If you have ever read Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink” then you would see my point that in the very instant that we meet someone we already know whether we will get on with them, how special they could be in our life, and whether we would want to spend more time with them. Conversation is not necessary.

This is not to say that conversation is not important in a relationship of any kind. On the contrary, communication with the other is necessary and healthy but only to minimise confusion by the ego, the Soul does not need this communication. The Soul knows.

Also, please understand me when I say “they were never for me”. We can never make a wrong choice and there is never an experience that shouldn’t have happened but, in this case, the reason for the experience may have been purely for the ego.

Every day we are relating with someone very special in our lives; someone more important than anyone we will meet. That someone we call “me”. The same observations apply to this relationship: we already know who we are, why we are here, and everything we need to know in order to get there. The constant chatter to ourselves is our ego and this is what changes the perception of ourselves (only our perception of ourselves can change). However, we are so used to the ego as it is the very world around us (I’ll explain this in more detail in a future discussion) that we battle to hear our Soul or sometimes even choose not to hear it. Any internal voice that is justifying and analysing is ego; the Soul just knows and does not have to justify.

Listen to what you feel deep within. Listen carefully. You already know the people you meet. You already know you.

Everything stands still when we have no passion. The world around us appears to stick in a pattern – a frustrating, dull, repetitive pattern. So we plan and push things to get the wheel of life spinning again. We push so hard and plan the next move but nothing happens and then the frustration grows. After pushing and planning for what seems like forever we collapse in a heap of frustrated despair, ready to give up when … the world starts moving again.

These moments are important indicators of how to approach life. Zen doctrine speaks of being “goal-less” and “going with the flow” but this doctrine needs careful interpretation. Self-awareness brings with it a broad, overarching Soul purpose – a reason for living that is so non-specific yet motivating. The broadness of this purpose is important – it is not something material but an inner desire so deep it exists regardless of what is happening around you. It rests deep in your subconscious; an unwavering light that the darkness can never put out.

When Zen speaks of being “goal-less” it does so in the context of being aware of this Soul purpose because then all other goals and planning become immaterial. Once in touch with your Soul purpose, whatever you do will be another step towards reaching it. But my point is that there still is purpose; you are still moving towards something – you are not some free agent just floating through life. What is also a relief to understand is that this purpose should never overshadow the golden rule of life to have fun. You may choose not to achieve your purpose in this lifetime – this is the power of choice that we have given ourselves.

“Going with the flow” also needs some explanation for the purposes of this discussion. Think of a stick floating on the surface of a river. The river is flowing in a direction – towards the sea. It always flows in that direction until it reaches the sea – its Soul purpose. And so the stick also always heads in that direction. It may choose to get stuck between some rocks for a while until heavy rains lift the water level and it moves over them. It may also choose to take the slow route by following the inner edge of a bend in the river where the current is slower and the reeds are thicker. It may choose to beach itself during a storm and stay there for years before the river gets to that height again. But in all cases it is still going with the flow but it is sometimes choosing to resist the push of the river. That is the “stuckness” that we feel: the river is flowing around us but we have chosen to get caught in the reeds.

So, I have mentioned passion, Soul purpose in the context of being “goal-less”, and “going with the flow”. These are the elements of happiness. Think of it this way: you know you are going to eventually get to achieving your purpose (getting to the sea) because you have the faith that you are heading that way, a knowing that every river does; you have the choice to follow any route you want to while floating on that river (you can even beach yourself) but you will always be following that river to the sea; in making those choices you may make things more difficult for yourself by getting caught in reeds or behind rocks but it is always your choice; and, your passion for floating on the river will ensure that you will continue floating no matter what. What I’m saying is that understanding your Soul purpose is the greatest gift you can give yourself because it makes every event in your life worthwhile. It also allows you to have fun along the way without the stress of having to plan and analyse your every move.

You already know what your Soul purpose is, all you have to do is listen. Use this time in the holidays to listen; to slow down and just float on the river of life, without the bother and stress of planning. Despite your best efforts, 2010 will take care of itself … and you will continue to float with the river. Have fun in 2010!

There are two large old oak trees that live in a park near to me. This is their story.

The groundsman from the park authorities was given the task of planting another park designed by an experienced landscaper. He had been a landscaper for years and was very good at this work and got great pleasure from seeing his parks grow over the years. He always loved planting oak trees because of how big they grew and their broad canopy. Today would be no different: the plan called for the planting of oak trees in the park he was to plant.

He dutifully instructed his team to prepare the soil in the area where the trees were to be planted. They tilled the soil and watered the area well. They dug a big hole and poured in some fertiliser and compost to make sure that the trees’ roots took. They placed the first little sapling in its hole and closed it up.

Now it was time for the second oak to be planted. The groundsman paced out a sufficient distance and instructed his team to dig another hole. This hole was prepared the same way as the other and the second oak sapling was tenderly placed into it.

After many years of growth, the two oak trees stood very proud and independent in the park. Many birds roosted in them and people sat in the coolness of their shady canopies.

Eventually, despite the groundsman’s attempts to space the trees far enough apart, the two trees grew together, their branches intertwining. This did not bother the trees, which simply adjusted their growth to accommodate the other, while they both continued to grow.

Every now and then there would be a storm with strong winds that would cause the trees’ branches to part and then come back together again. Neither tree had a problem with this and neither resisted the movement brought on by the wind. The trees parted and moved together again, parted and moved together. Every time there was wind this parting and moving together would happen and the trees would continue to grow and host their own brooding pairs of birds and insects. Each would continue to draw their own water and nutrients from the soil and absorb their own carbon dioxide and produce their own oxygen. Each tree would photosynthesise their own sunlight.

One particularly stormy evening the wind blew so hard that the intertwining branches started hitting against each other really hard, yet the trees did not try to stop this. The wind continued to blow and the branches continued to hit against each other until, eventually, the main branch of the one could take it no longer and broke and crashed to the ground.

In the morning, people gathered to inspect the storm damage and pitied the tree as it stood there with its one branch severed and lying on the ground. It looked sad and pitiful in the morning sunlight. The park authorities came by during the day and removed the broken branch and cleared all the other debris from the park and a week later no one could even tell there had been a storm. The two trees stood proudly next to each other, basking in the sunlight and continuing to grow. Yet there was a distinct difference from before the storm. The two trees still looked the same healthy, proud oak trees but there was something different. Only regular visitors to the park recognised the difference: the trees were no longer intertwined. There was a gap between them wide enough for a pigeon to fly through. The sun shone between them and the rain fell gently through the gap. Other than that there was nothing different about the trees and they continue to grow as they always have, until one day they will grow no more. And, quite possibly, if they choose to, their branches will once again intertwine and they will experience one another once again. And they will be fine either way for they know that they are there in the park to produce acorns so that other oak trees can grow and for animals to live in them and for people to sit in their shade. This they are certain of and so it is not important whether their branches intertwine or not. It doesn’t matter if their roots venture into the same soil. They continue to grow regardless.

We can learn from these oak trees. They know what they want to do and understand that this all that is important. Therefore they can intertwine with each other quite comfortably, they can be blown by the wind and their branches can part and move back together effortlessly, and they can be parted forever and this does not change that they are an oak tree in a park producing acorns and shade.