Every year I make a big thing of my birthday. I use the opportunity to see all my friends and to throw them all together at a function that is all about me. And I love it! I always have.

Birthdays are also about change. Each birthday heralds the start of my own new year. Numerologists will tell you how the number of the year you are in, which influences your challenges and experiences, clicks over one notch on your birthday. I feel that notch click over and sometimes that feeling is a little uncomfortable. This year is no different. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and only have to throw myself off to realise my dreams. So I see my dreams and that makes me excited but there is also a cliff that I have to throw myself off of first. Shit.

So I have decided to take my birthday week off (yes, I always celebrate a birthday week). Well, pretty much. I think the experts would say I’m frozen in fear. Or they would tell me I’m procrastinating but, you see, I am always way to hard on myself so I’ve decided that this is a perfectly good thing to do when there is chaos: sit in the midst of the chaos and be still. Oh, and then throw a party. It has been a very emotional space so, to be honest, working would be difficult given the frequent breakdowns. Okay, I maybe exaggerate a little…but only a little.

I know I will jump. I just want to turn 35 first! Happy birthday to me.

I do not think of myself as excessively image conscious. I like to look good but in no way am I a label queen. I do not aspire to drive an over the top expensive car. I like cars that are different – that have a distinct design that does not appeal to all tastes because then it will not be a common sight on the road. This is why I chose a Renault Megane. It is now seven years old and still it is distinct in so many ways – the handbrake still draws comments from passengers!

But last week the Megane broke. The turbo went on a long trip and that’s where I started to learn something about myself. Did I fear for my safety while standing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere? No. Was I angry that this went wrong at the start of my holiday? Not really. The issue was this: the car lost power to such an extent that I was struggling up a slight incline in second gear with smoke billowing out the exhaust over a queue of cars behind me. When I pulled over I was mortified that there was an audience witnessing the demise of my beautiful vehicle. I have always looked at people in similar situations with disdain, asking why they don’t bother to maintain their vehicle properly. I was hearing the driver of every passing car saying the same thing about me. Okay, I couldn’t hear them but I’m sure they were.

We were eventually picked up and the vehicle towed into a workshop. I breathed a sigh of relief having survived my shame on the side of the road.

When back from holiday it made sense for me to borrow my mom’s car while the Megane succumbed to the woes of a lack of spares that is so typically Renault. My mom kindly obliged and I’m saving on the cost of a hired car. But there’s a catch: my mom’s car is a 20-something year old Toyota. Hey, it goes well and gets me around…but it is 20-something years old. It has no fuel injection and remote locking. But it does have power steering and auto transmission. Oh, and the brakes need to be applied well in advance of needing to stop anywhere. But hey, it’s free transport while I wait to get my baby back.

However, I have developed an issue. I would never have thought that this would happen to me but I don’t want anyone I know to see me in this car. Do I judge others in older cars? Or is it the bumper sticker reading “702 Stuck on you” that is the deal breaker? I can’t put my finger on it. I think my thoughts are ridiculous. I have rationalised things by looking at the other cars on the road and seeing that there are other old vehicles out there. Ah, but none have an aerial that is buckled so that it phallically tends gently upwards like mine.

So I have this shame that will not go away. I have told myself that it is out of character and ridiculous. I have tried to rationalise it away. I have told myself to be grateful that I have free wheels for the unknown period that my car will be in the shop.

Then I go to gym. I arrive unnoticed and breathe a sigh of relief. After gym I climb in the car and turn the ignition and it fails to start. I try again but no. Stubbornly, in public, the car added to my feelings as people started to turn to see who was having car trouble. On the fourth try it started but, for me, my reputation was lying like a pool of oil in that parking bay as I sped off.

On the way home I laughed at me. I laughed that it has become such an issue. I laughed that I manifested the gym parking lot incident. Every time I think of how the car makes me feel I smile. It doesn’t make the feeling go away but it does make me feel better about it. Hey, I’m driving a classic!

If you’re a user of an internet dating site I’m sure you will be able to relate to my experiences. Everyone who uses these very important platforms of modern relating has stories to tell, some worse than others, but then “worse” is relative: to the person experiencing it, it is the worst! My friends and I often compare experiences over a glass of wine.

Which one shall I start with? There was the guy with only the now common torso pic of tanned and toned body (the thumbnails of those online are littered with these sorts of torsos). I liked his profile (I usually choose not to go for these types of profiles) and sent him a message. Usually I don’t get a response from these sorts of guys for reasons I haven’t quite worked out. He responded and said he would like to chat so we went into the chat room and did that. It was a general chat that was flowing nicely and then he was gone…never to chat again even though he has been online since. No reason. Nothing. Just gone. He is “looking for decent people”….

Then there is the one who was all keen to meet up as he believes in chemistry and timing. We battled to coordinate diaries and so a couple of days went by. I sent him a message saying when I was available and I got no response…ever again. Obviously the timing was off.

And there’s the story of another guy who I exchanged numbers with. We get on like a house on fire via text message. We have arranged to meet for drinks once – he had work so had to cancel – and then the chatting fell quiet. Then I got a message from him asking why I’ve been so quiet. I messaged him back and heard nothing! When I re-initiated the chatting he couldn’t remember who I was! Me – the unforgettable!

Finally there’s the one who messaged me first and spoke of meeting me for days, while we chatted over msn. Then he decided that he wouldn’t meet me because of his fear of being hurt. I was frustrated that here is someone I get on really well with and whom I may never meet. Yet we continue to have the most awesome chats. Mmmmm….

How do I deal with the rejection and some of the behaviour that eludes my understanding?
I see that I end up meeting the ones I really (deep down) want to meet and chatting endlessly to those I want to chat to.
I meet people when the time is right to meet them and that it is often not when I arrange to meet them.
I see that we all have our secrets that lead to the perception of deception.
I want to meet that “perfect person” but, at the same time, am afraid of that perfect person and the vulnerability that is required to love them.
I have to really push myself to always tell the truth to the people I meet…especially when it is to tell them that I do not want to see them again.

Every experience is special in some way and this is what makes it all so much fun. Even when I hear those words…”Let’s just be friends…” because friends are fun too!