Last night was not a good night. First my dry, sore throat woke me up (the consequence of blocked sinuses from a head cold), then oppressive heat wouldn’t allow me to sleep, followed by a persistent mosquito (why is there always just that one?), and then my two Jack Russells joined me on the bed because of thunder.

This ‘chaos’ brought on an interesting dream. In my house I have a wall covered in mirrors of various shapes and sizes. In wandering around my house I noticed that this wall was now blank…the mirrors all lay shattered on the floor. Immediately I was angry and searching for someone to blame but, as I walked around the house, I started to realise that it wasn’t actually mine…that it is all a dream and that I have the power to pull myself out of it.

This dream comes at a really significant time for me as I realise and deal with some shame that is being covered by an addiction in relating. (continue reading…)

My blog entry “when 95% is not enough” got an amazing response and seemed to strike a chord within the hearts and minds of many of you. For me though, that realisation has not been enough and I know that some of you can relate. It is all good and well to end a relationship but that does not end the love we have for the other – that love doesn’t go away, nor should it.

In practice, my mind (which is so my ego) needs to work out what to do with this love and the beautiful memories it holds from the relationship. It tries to trash them by focusing on my ex’s faults and making them bigger than they are (especially when those perceived “faults” now have less impact on me), or it builds frustration that the relationship could not be the 100% that I know I want and can have, or it seeks to re-create the relationship. (continue reading…)

There are people who do not use their words. They find it difficult to express matters of the heart and yet I prefer it that way. So often I have been disillusioned and disappointed by guys who have said the most beautiful things. Then there were those with nothing worthwhile to say; they really shouldn’t have said anything. Is it becoming clearer how I despise the limitation and deception of words? One of my favourite songs is Ronan Keating’s “You say it best when you say nothing at all”.

I have always preferred non-verbal communication to the bastardised and crude spoken word. So writing has been a really interesting experience for me because there is nothing more than damn words, but that’s the subject of another blog.

People do not have to tell me they love me. Yet such loving people surround me. Together we face our fears. They choose me to do brave things with for the first time. They wink at me across the table in restaurants. They smile encouragingly when I need the support. So I don’t care that the word “love” may never pass their lips because love shines from their eyes, is written all over their actions and sits in their hearts for all to see. Well, for all those who can look beyond the words and see what lies behind.

Life is like a puzzle but without the picture on the box to guide you. Slowly over time you put pieces together to see if they fit. You try different pieces, you turn them around, you look at the colours on their surface and their shape. If they don’t fit together you start the search again. Over time you start to see a picture emerging but often the full picture is not clear until you triumphantly slot the last piece into its place.

Part of my nature is to automatically see the big picture in every situation – it is what comes with choosing a visionary archetype. This quality is revered by today’s society as everyone looks up to the visionaries of each generation, yet there is just as much value in seeing the little things and loving and appreciating them. (continue reading…)

Some things throw me to the fire – they challenge me like never before. Then I stand still. I wait for the fire to die. I wait for the challenge to go away and for everything to become easy again. Why do I wait?

I have one of those situations at the moment. I’m in the midst of a fire that is burning hot. It is branding my skin and is raging through my life. I try to deny it. I make it go away … briefly … until I feel the burning again. That burning is the reminder that I have not acknowledged its warmth.

I love people for who they are and what they are capable of being. This can lead to disappointment when they choose not to reach that potential or to be who they truly are. Yet that is beautiful too in that it shows the value of choice and how we all have a side that is powerful, strong and yet…hidden.

I prefer to keep a part of me hidden too. (continue reading…)