My dad always had a stoic exterior. It was hard for me to figure out what he was feeling and so I started to think it was because of me that my dad was ‘emotionless’. This created a gap in our bond. For many years I accepted that this would always be how it is.

Then one day I saw a glimpse of the emotion sitting behind the façade: a huge ball of untapped emotion that I had failed to see as I took too much responsibility and crucified myself for being a disappointment. At that point I decided to change. I chose to close the gap and connect again. With every encounter I grew closer to my dad and I started to experience the love between us. I felt like a son once more. I hugged him every time I saw him. I encouraged phone calls between us even though he is not fond of the phone.

Recently I spent two weeks on holiday with my folks, sharing a room with them. Admittedly there was initially trepidation as I had not spent so much time with them and in such close proximity since I moved out of home when I started working. This trip became the culmination of all the love and admiration I have for my dad. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had with my folks. It cemented our bond.

After the trip and after being ill for a while, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I felt my heart ache with the realisation that I could lose the person I had chosen to love so deeply. The pain became real with this realisation. The knowing that the bond would one day be physically broken has become hard to bear. Yet, I draw closer. Everyday I resist the temptation to back off because I have seen the beauty of loving someone with all my heart. I have never expected him to change but immediately when I changed my feelings towards him, he did change. As I gave more I saw the same in return. This will continue, even though we cannot be together forever. The pain is inevitable but I wouldn’t want to lose my dad without knowing that I put everything I could into our relationship.

Just today I visited him and I saw a man struggling to deal with the news of his immortality. I saw it in his eyes. The glow has gone, albeit maybe temporarily. I had to look away. Throughout the afternoon I struggled to look into those eyes…because it hurt too much.

So I live each day at a time, sharing and loving as we have been. There is no panic to our relationship, only a realisation that at some point we will have to part. And, yes, it will be painful for the one left behind.

Once again, I attach Jewel’s ‘Satisfied’ – a song that is a gift to me, and all those who want to experience all that love has to offer.

There is no time or place. It just is. It sits in my mind always and everywhere. It is my dream.

I feel. Emotion boils through my veins. It motivates me and keeps me in touch with my world. I experience fully. Ice cream. Love. Joy. Pain. Chocolate. Life.

I am. Everyone knows me. They see me as truth. My world integrates perfectly with the rest of the world; it is one.

I believe. I have faith in all I am and work through that which I believe I am not. There is no hiding but there is also no unnecessary creating of issues that shouldn’t exist. There is only the best for me and I am what that is.

I travel. The journey is only worthwhile if travelled. I travel with others. In turn they travel with me like eternal companions, knowing and trusting that we have journeyed before. I enjoy the journey such that the destination does not matter. I stay with myself: leaving the past behind and letting the future take care of itself. I know what I want from the journey but allow the path to provide whatever opportunity it has. I bask in the sun. I bathe in the rain. I rejoice in the snow.

I know. My desires stem from deep within and flow through my mind. My mind brings them into this world and moulds them as we travel…together…my knowing, my thoughts and my journey. All synchronised by the power of union when nothing else matters but happiness.

I rejoice. Happiness is a state of mind; it is not brought about by others. It flows from deep within and, because it flows, it passes away. Happiness is manifested and passes away. I do not mourn its passing but celebrate its creation. There is only joy in my heart, despite the trials of the journey. There is beauty within. There is pain within. They coexist and stem from the same source – I allow and acknowledge all that I feel.

I manifest. As above, so below. My beauty and joy flows outwards into my environment, influencing all that I touch on my journey. Around me are objects of beauty and joy. I have so much that I can share.

There is no time or place. It just is. It sits in my mind always and everywhere. It is my dream.

‘Back to the Future Land’ (courtesy @Dezy_D – follow her on Twitter) is that continent north and west of ours, where the sun rises and sets after us, yet where many new things originate. It is an interesting place, the USA. I now know why Americans always ask each other “Where’re you fraahm?” when they meet: every state comes with its own culture and traditions. I travelled in Washington, California, Illinois, Florida and New York. There was also a short (but worthwhile) stint in Canada.

The idea of this trip was hatched a few year’s back over a family meal and was for us to holiday in DisneyWorld. The funny thing about planning things in the future is that they eventually arrive. The time came to book the trip and I decided to stop in at a few other cities along the way – “while I’m there; you know it’s a long flight!”. I didn’t really have a plan other than to travel with my good friend who lives in The Netherlands, Ed…and to get to Chicago. Everything else just happened through a process of discussion with Ed and others. Ed and I decided an itinerary and booked the flights.

In the blink of an eye I was heading off to ‘Back to the Future Land’ to meet my friend halfway around the world. All my fears of the long flight and jetlag didn’t materialise of course. I landed after 24 hours in the air and headed out to see Seattle and its nightlife. On that first night Ed implemented a rule that would shape my trip: whenever we went out to a bar or club we had to speak to at least one stranger and they couldn’t be staff. That little motivator that we swore to that night resulted in amazing experiences with wonderful people in many cities. We experienced the cultures of the different states, we witnessed the startling effect a border can have when we crossed into Canada, we established memories, and we went to places we would not have had we not had a local to take us. Believe me, it was not always an easy task for us two introverts to initiate conversation but the rewards of breaking out of our moulds were huge.

Each city brings its own gifts just like each new person you meet. As we combined the newness of the environment and the people with our new way of going out, we experienced a world beyond ourselves; beyond anything we could have imagined in the paradigm of everyday patterns that we find ourselves in. One small thing different, something that scared me, opened a door to another me…and fun, laughs and memories. Thanks Ed.

After four cities together I wished Ed farewell, knowing that we’ll be brought together again somewhere else in the world. Ed and I often travel together. We grew up together and then he emigrated to The Netherlands. He is a pleasure to travel with, not only because of how quickly he manages to work out public transport systems (kudos to you, Ed), but because of how he challenges me to live beyond the self I am comfortable with. Ed, you bring out the part of me I otherwise choose to hide. When I hesitate to do something different I think of our time together and remember how much fun it is.

The second part of my trip was with my family. It was our first overseas trip together as a complete family. I was sharing with my folks, which was not without some trepidation: this would be the longest time I would be spending with my folks since I moved out of home. We shared so much more than only the room; we got to know each other again. Even though we generally gather every two weeks or so as a family, we could now take time out with no distractions and enjoy each other’s company. Of course, some childhood issues did come up (within me…that’s where all my issues originate, take form and live themselves out!). I still battle to be myself with my family. After all the progress I have made in removing the blockages of shame, getting to know who I am, the person I pushed into the shadows at an early age, I still battle to be myself. The reason: disappointment; my own disappointment in myself. If anyone is disappointed in me then I have disappointed myself. So the journey continues…at least I have ‘checked in’ to measure progress and, to be fair, I can see there has been loads. Perhaps it will never go away. Perhaps I will always have a slightly different persona for my parents; slightly but not wholly.

When I arrived back and my best friend, Jodene asked how the trip was my initial response was that “I had just had a relaxing holiday” but as I said it I realised that it wasn’t ‘just’ that. It was an experience; part of the life experience of being conscious of my patterns, doing something everyday that scares me and, most of all, having fun.

Time travel rocks.

A recent dream of mine:

Jodene and I are standing at the back of a church … but this is a church with a difference. It is open-air and the ocean flows into the front of it. The setting is really pretty with pews set out between two rocky outcrops, the sea lapping into the front of the church and the sun setting over the sea.

This is the fourth wedding of the day – we have been waiting for this wedding. The bridal party arrives from the front of the church (odd … yet I make sense of it by seeing that the tide is coming in so access to the church is getting difficult). The bride, who is Jodene’s friend, goes out the back door and the rest of the party starts the procession. The bridesmaids are dressed in hideous ‘balloon’ dresses that bob as they walk. Jodene and I sneak to our pew before the bride is expected but it is now (momentarily) pitch dark and have to sit anywhere. (I wonder to myself why they turned the lights off before the bride processes).

We are now sitting next to my brother and my sister-in-law, who is taking photos of the spectacular vista of the sun setting over the sea, while it starts to wash over us and many of the pews. The push of the water is strong and it is now quite deep, yet crystal clear and blue.

Two local middle-aged men come darting like dolphins through the water and shoot up into the air. (I think to myself that it is a good thing that the ceremony hasn’t started as this little show would then have been really inconsiderate).

I also start taking some photos but my camera is so complicated I am battling to get the right setting and the sun is setting so I’m worried that I’ll miss the moment. I manage to get a few photos. The tide moves out leaving a cliff where the front of the church is. The bride doesn’t arrive. Jodene says that “she thought she would do this”. The groom (who is wearing a yarmulke – a little out of place in the scene?) is left sitting in the front pew on his own.

The four of us (Jodene, my brother and sister-in-law, and I) are now standing over the church looking down on the pews and the groom waiting alone for his bride, the cliff at the front of the church and the setting sun. It is a truly beautiful scene.

Please comment and let me know your thoughts. My dreams and your thoughts may just do something.

I’ve been having some really vivid and complex dreams lately. I keep a dream diary and my dreams have been occupying between two and three of the A5 pages each. In the dream world I think one can safely call them epic.

I get up each morning in a hurry to download the movie that has just played out in my head. It is fun but also therapeutic as I recall the wanderings (and wonderings?) of my subconscious. A dream diary works for me in that it gives my conscious the opportunity to grab and process what has been happening over night. I repeat them to Jodene, which she often follows with a remark similar to “…I hope you’re not expecting an interpretation of that from me”. “Why the hell not?” is often my thought. Dreams make perfect sense to the dreamer otherwise they would not have dreamt them in the first place. Give them a chance in the conscious mind, apply some lateral thinking and realise that all dreams are always about you and only you. (A small caveat here is that some have chosen the gift of prophecy in their dreams, which may result in their dreams being about others).

The beauty of a diary is that it provides you with the gift of being able to look back at your dreams over time and see the patterns, which may be more important than each individual one. It is like your mind is downloading a serial in manageable episodes so that you can remember and ‘view’ each, without being overwhelmed by the contents. Hence, dream interpretation is very personal and so imagine my reaction when Jodene suggested that I blog my dreams. My personal, intimate ramblings of my head…for the whole world to read. Although I believe my dreams, like many other people’s, are beautiful stories of the head, I have seen the reactions of friends when I have repeated mine to them and, trust me, they have not been encouraging me to share them!

But, nowadays, I’m all for giving anything a shot and so I open with the first of many of my dreams in my next post. Climb into my subconscious, be an observer, comment away, let me know your interpretation, and let’s see where these take us.