My dad always had a stoic exterior. It was hard for me to figure out what he was feeling and so I started to think it was because of me that my dad was ‘emotionless’. This created a gap in our bond. For many years I accepted that this would always be how it is.

Then one day I saw a glimpse of the emotion sitting behind the façade: a huge ball of untapped emotion that I had failed to see as I took too much responsibility and crucified myself for being a disappointment. At that point I decided to change. I chose to close the gap and connect again. With every encounter I grew closer to my dad and I started to experience the love between us. I felt like a son once more. I hugged him every time I saw him. I encouraged phone calls between us even though he is not fond of the phone.

Recently I spent two weeks on holiday with my folks, sharing a room with them. Admittedly there was initially trepidation as I had not spent so much time with them and in such close proximity since I moved out of home when I started working. This trip became the culmination of all the love and admiration I have for my dad. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had with my folks. It cemented our bond.

After the trip and after being ill for a while, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I felt my heart ache with the realisation that I could lose the person I had chosen to love so deeply. The pain became real with this realisation. The knowing that the bond would one day be physically broken has become hard to bear. Yet, I draw closer. Everyday I resist the temptation to back off because I have seen the beauty of loving someone with all my heart. I have never expected him to change but immediately when I changed my feelings towards him, he did change. As I gave more I saw the same in return. This will continue, even though we cannot be together forever. The pain is inevitable but I wouldn’t want to lose my dad without knowing that I put everything I could into our relationship.

Just today I visited him and I saw a man struggling to deal with the news of his immortality. I saw it in his eyes. The glow has gone, albeit maybe temporarily. I had to look away. Throughout the afternoon I struggled to look into those eyes…because it hurt too much.

So I live each day at a time, sharing and loving as we have been. There is no panic to our relationship, only a realisation that at some point we will have to part. And, yes, it will be painful for the one left behind.

Once again, I attach Jewel’s ‘Satisfied’ – a song that is a gift to me, and all those who want to experience all that love has to offer.

There is no time or place. It just is. It sits in my mind always and everywhere. It is my dream.

I feel. Emotion boils through my veins. It motivates me and keeps me in touch with my world. I experience fully. Ice cream. Love. Joy. Pain. Chocolate. Life.

I am. Everyone knows me. They see me as truth. My world integrates perfectly with the rest of the world; it is one.

I believe. I have faith in all I am and work through that which I believe I am not. There is no hiding but there is also no unnecessary creating of issues that shouldn’t exist. There is only the best for me and I am what that is.

I travel. The journey is only worthwhile if travelled. I travel with others. In turn they travel with me like eternal companions, knowing and trusting that we have journeyed before. I enjoy the journey such that the destination does not matter. I stay with myself: leaving the past behind and letting the future take care of itself. I know what I want from the journey but allow the path to provide whatever opportunity it has. I bask in the sun. I bathe in the rain. I rejoice in the snow.

I know. My desires stem from deep within and flow through my mind. My mind brings them into this world and moulds them as we travel…together…my knowing, my thoughts and my journey. All synchronised by the power of union when nothing else matters but happiness.

I rejoice. Happiness is a state of mind; it is not brought about by others. It flows from deep within and, because it flows, it passes away. Happiness is manifested and passes away. I do not mourn its passing but celebrate its creation. There is only joy in my heart, despite the trials of the journey. There is beauty within. There is pain within. They coexist and stem from the same source – I allow and acknowledge all that I feel.

I manifest. As above, so below. My beauty and joy flows outwards into my environment, influencing all that I touch on my journey. Around me are objects of beauty and joy. I have so much that I can share.

There is no time or place. It just is. It sits in my mind always and everywhere. It is my dream.