“Let’s just be friends”…the four words that many people dread while dating. They’re used as an easy escape – a way out of a difficult situation where one likes the other more. They’re spoken by cowards who are too afraid to hurt the other. They’re uttered when there is no intention of seeing each other again. This is sad because there’s nothing “just” about being friends.

Dating sites are interesting playgrounds. All types, including the shy and downright socially anxious, can get to mingle with others in total anonymity, often not even revealing what they look like. They can chat, flirt, propose meetings and fantasise (which is often what the proposed meetings are anyway).

Yet there are those who get upset by the playground. I have heard of people who throw malicious comments at others when they are rejected honestly. There is frustration when they have not found “the one” after being on the site for a “more than reasonable length of time”. Then there is that moment when you pluck up the courage to meet someone and they look nothing like their pictures, or the pictures are from the days before they put on 20 kg and 10 years. There is deception everywhere: we deceive ourselves daily otherwise we would not be living in this illusion we call life. And yet we expect everyone to be completely truthful…there are always skeletons in the closet! Sometimes that skeleton is 20 kg.

Playing the single game on dating websites (okay, that’s not entirely correct because some couples play the game too) should be fun. How do you make it fun? By making it completely goalless. The stress is only introduced by expectations, created by you, to meet the one you’ve just written to, to date the one you’ve just winked at, to have sex with the one who just winked back and/or marry the one you just had an awesome chat to. (The “and/or” is intentional because often all these expectations co-exist at one time).

Have you watched two toddlers meeting for the first time? Notice how they relate with no expectations. They giggle, cuddle, smile, kiss and sometimes push and bash in innocence with no expectation of friendship, marriage or sex. Notice how it is so easy for them, devoid of the anxiety of losing the other, upsetting them or never seeing them again. They just have their fun in the moment and then they part. Just like that. Simple.

The whole spectrum of relating is special and if we can play in this space, including the online dating space, like toddlers then we’ll begin to see just how simple it actually is. Have fun, whatever your definition of that is, and you’ll get everything that you desire because all you truly desire, deep down, is happiness and fun.

If you’re a user of an internet dating site I’m sure you will be able to relate to my experiences. Everyone who uses these very important platforms of modern relating has stories to tell, some worse than others, but then “worse” is relative: to the person experiencing it, it is the worst! My friends and I often compare experiences over a glass of wine.

Which one shall I start with? There was the guy with only the now common torso pic of tanned and toned body (the thumbnails of those online are littered with these sorts of torsos). I liked his profile (I usually choose not to go for these types of profiles) and sent him a message. Usually I don’t get a response from these sorts of guys for reasons I haven’t quite worked out. He responded and said he would like to chat so we went into the chat room and did that. It was a general chat that was flowing nicely and then he was gone…never to chat again even though he has been online since. No reason. Nothing. Just gone. He is “looking for decent people”….

Then there is the one who was all keen to meet up as he believes in chemistry and timing. We battled to coordinate diaries and so a couple of days went by. I sent him a message saying when I was available and I got no response…ever again. Obviously the timing was off.

And there’s the story of another guy who I exchanged numbers with. We get on like a house on fire via text message. We have arranged to meet for drinks once – he had work so had to cancel – and then the chatting fell quiet. Then I got a message from him asking why I’ve been so quiet. I messaged him back and heard nothing! When I re-initiated the chatting he couldn’t remember who I was! Me – the unforgettable!

Finally there’s the one who messaged me first and spoke of meeting me for days, while we chatted over msn. Then he decided that he wouldn’t meet me because of his fear of being hurt. I was frustrated that here is someone I get on really well with and whom I may never meet. Yet we continue to have the most awesome chats. Mmmmm….

How do I deal with the rejection and some of the behaviour that eludes my understanding?
I see that I end up meeting the ones I really (deep down) want to meet and chatting endlessly to those I want to chat to.
I meet people when the time is right to meet them and that it is often not when I arrange to meet them.
I see that we all have our secrets that lead to the perception of deception.
I want to meet that “perfect person” but, at the same time, am afraid of that perfect person and the vulnerability that is required to love them.
I have to really push myself to always tell the truth to the people I meet…especially when it is to tell them that I do not want to see them again.

Every experience is special in some way and this is what makes it all so much fun. Even when I hear those words…”Let’s just be friends…” because friends are fun too!

I loved visiting one of my friends during my childhood, not only because they always had Tropika in the fridge (yum), but also because his parents were Dutch and liberal. There was a freedom given to you as you entered the house: to be who you wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong; there was discipline and manners but no forced censorship.

Censorship fascinates me and is a bone of contention in many countries. South Africa is no exception. I find it intriguing that Hollywood appears to produce more violent films than those with nudity and sex. Do the exercise yourself: take note of the age restrictions of films that you watch on TV and you will notice this (and remember to look out for the nudity – it is often only a glimpse of a bottom). DSTV has an Action channel and yet there is an uproar about a proposed pornography channel. Why is violence condoned more than sex or nudity when the latter is so natural and something that most of the world’s population indulge in at some point in their life? We would wish that violence would not be necessary in real life and yet this practice is what is put all over our screens. Bizarre? I think so.

Just recently the South African Arts and Culture Minister Lulu Xingwana walked out of an exhibition of women’s art, offended by photographs of naked black women. Xingwana is now looking to debate when art becomes pornography. How can naked people lying together looking lovingly into each other’s eyes be considered pornography unless there is something shameful about nudity?

On Facebook I am a member of a page called “Conscious Parenting” – I recommend it to anyone who deals with children. The page administrators, a lovely Scandinavian couple who epitomise innocence and love, posted pictures of their young boy (I would guess he’s around four or five years old) enjoying the garden on the first warm day of spring. The pictures illustrated the innocence of children and were posted in that innocence. They were beautiful. Most of the fans loved them but then there were those who were disgusted because their son was naked in the pictures. They eventually removed some of the “offensive” pictures.

Nudity and sex are natural and normal. Those who don’t view it as such demonise and condemn and make it shameful. In some European countries it is not unusual for people to swim naked in public, yet there is no evidence of public nudity increasing the level of sexual violence, as opponents often argue. In fact, the situation is quite the opposite.

We are born of sex and naked. This is how we enter the world and then the judgement begins and with the judgement follows shame. This shame, grouped with low esteem, results in sexual obsession and sometimes abuse. It is not the nudity or exposure to sex that is the problem, but the judgement of it.

Let’s think twice before we censor for children because we are perpetuating the problem.

I am getting the impression that I am a threat to humanity. There are reports every day of how people like me are destroying families and fuelling sexual abuse. I believe that a school in South Africa has had to close down its girls’ dormitory out of fear for what could happen if they allowed such activity to continue. Africa in particular is afraid of people like me. We are being hunted down and killed because of what we can evidently do to society.

Personally I am wondering if it is an innate fear of good taste, great shoes and fantastic curtains. What other threat can homosexuals pose to the world? We are so peace-loving that many countries keep us out of their armies because we couldn’t harm someone if we tried. We adore women and give them love and respect (and great sex tips). We love children. So why the big threat? We’re only 10% of the population (if we are to believe those people who conjure up stats for a living) and yet we are perceived by some nations to be a greater threat to humanity than famine, disease, climate change and war.

One would think countries like Malawi, Kenya and Ghana would have bigger issues to deal with than trying to stamp out homosexuality from their society.

One argument I had the pleasure of reading (pleasure because it was so laughable) is that gays are a threat to the traditional family unit. This was news to me as I thought that divorce, often as a result of infidelity, was breaking up family units. It is perhaps unfortunate that few children get through their childhood today with biological parents happily married, but it has never been proven that the broken homes are as a result of homosexuality. In addition, in which society are all straight couples doing a better job than a gay couple could in raising children? Look at the parents in your neighbourhood and tell me that their parenting outstrips what I am capable of doing. Surely the most important things any adult can hope to give children are love and happiness? And this is not dependent on sexuality.

Let’s focus on the real issues in the world and start with why some people feel the need to victimise others. Bullying is a sign of cowardice. It’s ugly. And it doesn’t go with my coffee table.